Saturday, March 15, 2008
3 weeks since my exams... 3 weeks since I last posted something here... Been a while... So has it been a time for me to unwind and relax for a long time...
My attachment has been a really enjoyable one... I love the environment here... I think its great to have collegues like these, and a supervisor that makes my work enjoyable... Though the harsh security, the guards at the front desk are really friendly... I'm just bothered over not being able to have my phone with me during work... Its crazily tough to communicate with people and tough for people to reach me... I thought I would have my old 6610 for it but it died out on me the first morning of my attachment... Till now, I've yet to find a replacement battery for it...
Now somethings really puzzles me, and puzzles me till I'm stressed... Its the simplest things in life that make things so complicated in the end...
Dad came back when I was away at Trial Camp... I wasn't there the morning he came back... Right now, I don't spend more than an hour with him a day... Mum complains to me how he is useless around the house, and how he sometimes complains about my maid's cooking... I think he should do something when he's here... He doesn't bother finding out things from me now that he can talk to me in person... I don't see him helping at all... Maybe he should have came back during my sister's exams so that he can help her without her having to bug me... At least one thing he's got right is playing mahjong with my grandma now... I'm happy that he's putting a smile on my grandma's face just by his presence alone... Anyway, I think he's just too ignorant about things around the house... What bothers me here is, what does he want to do when he came back?
Mum is no different either... She's just focused on work... Sure she comes back and has a few laughs with my sister, and scolds me for almost everything I do... She doesn't pay attention to me as much now... She thinks there are more important things to remember (like her work) than her family... I still make sure I tell her where I'm going... But she'll just ask me on the day itself again... And asks as though I'm in the wrong... Its not like I don't tell her... She doesn't pay attention to it! I even gave up asking her why she doesn't remember... I'll always get back the same reason: "I've got better things to remember than this"... Is work all that matters to you now?
Trial camp looked like a great success... I feel that it has spurred lots of my GLs to become very motivated to do Trial Camp well... I'm happy for them, if I have done something which have contributed to it... But really, I feel that I don't...
I really feel that my fellow SGLs (and maybe my AGLs) have picked the wrong person for the job... The wrong person to take the post of vice-president, the wrong person to run the trial camp and FOC... I don't know what to do, and the people around me don't teach me things... I only learn when I make my mistakes during the time of the event, which is really, too late for me to apply anything... I fully agree now that being a welfare GL in FOC sucks... I come back as a useless SGL... I don't know anything... My co-organizer knows it all, and does everything on his own... Some times I feel as though he makes all the decisions... Finance, logistics, camp schedule, down to what I should know more, the welfare... Am I that useless? I don't see myself in doing anything that contributes now... He thinks that we should be working to each others strengths, which is he does all the background work, while I work when the actual camp is... I don't like this system! Ron did it... He had his share of work during the organizing of the camps... His partner was a games committee member... I don't see why it doesn't work out for me as well... I'm not supposed to mention this here, but its just part of what I want to vent out...
Another thing that contributes to the thought is that I really don't have the impact on my fellow seniors as well as my own seniors... I'm too soft, and when I try to get loud on things, they think I'm plainly shouting and disrespectful... I don't know what is really right... No one wants to tell me... So now, I've lost not only the respect from them, but also the trust they "had" in me... I feel so weak, that I've lost my composure twice and broken down just as much... I really didn't have to... But I know I'm not superman anymore, and its time I let things flow out... So I don't feel that sitting in this "vice-president" position is really the right thing... I don't think I'm cut out for something as big as this anymore... I don't think I have any real friends now... I've lost my faith in myself, completely...
My grades didn't look good either... I expected an A from my immunology... Turned out to only be a B+... And I was so confident on that paper... I thought there would be some hope from this semester after all... The difference of an A to a B+ is so great... My GPA was really far from what I expected... I really hope that its me not being hardworking enough, but I can't help thinking that I'm becoming stupid...
My relationship isn't helping me ease any of these things either... She wants me to be happy, to relieve and take away my unhappiness... Instead, she giving me the unecessary stress as well... Maybe I'm not doing my part in keeping the relationship fresh... Maybe I'm unable to commit to it like I used to... I hope she really understands that being together in the same school is just a small added bonus to our relationship and not over exploit it...
She was the one who asked me to go watch "Step Up 2" on our anniversary... Yet, she went to watch it with her friends and only telling me so late on... That's the second movie which I wanted to watch so much, but she watched it with others... I've already given up alot for her, and I feel she's one of the few valuables that I can really call mine... If she's not there to spend my free time with, who or what will? What saddens me more about this is that I was told by my supervisor that I would most probably have the day off this coming Thursday... And so happens, its the 20th... Even god is helping me... Now I don't see the need for me to spend our anniversary together when she doesn't appreciate it... Mind you, its not all about the gifts that matters ok?! She claims she is strong, that she can take care of herself... Is it? Really? I don't see that... She's still that small little girl after all...
Actually, I was just picking myself up and wanting to talk to her again today... But just when I saw her unwell again, I just thought that it was going to be the same as the last time... Anyway, I just think that she can't keep to her promise of taking care of herself... How does she want to take away my sadness when she can't even take care of herself? I just thought, forget it, leave things the way it is now... I can't find happiness in this...
Sorry if I did reveal things that shouldn't have been told... Sorry that I've dissapointed people who held me for something... That I broken anything that I promised... But I will keep to my promise that I will run this FOC well, because it is not my event alone... Sorry if I have offended anyone... Sorry if I had made anyone dislike me more... Sorry if I wasted anyone's time reading this... Sorry I took the path of all these and caused the unhappiness... Sorry for being so useless... Sorry if I had made anyone sad... Its not what I should have done, but I've done it all wrong, and I feel the worst now...
My attachment has been a really enjoyable one... I love the environment here... I think its great to have collegues like these, and a supervisor that makes my work enjoyable... Though the harsh security, the guards at the front desk are really friendly... I'm just bothered over not being able to have my phone with me during work... Its crazily tough to communicate with people and tough for people to reach me... I thought I would have my old 6610 for it but it died out on me the first morning of my attachment... Till now, I've yet to find a replacement battery for it...
Now somethings really puzzles me, and puzzles me till I'm stressed... Its the simplest things in life that make things so complicated in the end...
Dad came back when I was away at Trial Camp... I wasn't there the morning he came back... Right now, I don't spend more than an hour with him a day... Mum complains to me how he is useless around the house, and how he sometimes complains about my maid's cooking... I think he should do something when he's here... He doesn't bother finding out things from me now that he can talk to me in person... I don't see him helping at all... Maybe he should have came back during my sister's exams so that he can help her without her having to bug me... At least one thing he's got right is playing mahjong with my grandma now... I'm happy that he's putting a smile on my grandma's face just by his presence alone... Anyway, I think he's just too ignorant about things around the house... What bothers me here is, what does he want to do when he came back?
Mum is no different either... She's just focused on work... Sure she comes back and has a few laughs with my sister, and scolds me for almost everything I do... She doesn't pay attention to me as much now... She thinks there are more important things to remember (like her work) than her family... I still make sure I tell her where I'm going... But she'll just ask me on the day itself again... And asks as though I'm in the wrong... Its not like I don't tell her... She doesn't pay attention to it! I even gave up asking her why she doesn't remember... I'll always get back the same reason: "I've got better things to remember than this"... Is work all that matters to you now?
Trial camp looked like a great success... I feel that it has spurred lots of my GLs to become very motivated to do Trial Camp well... I'm happy for them, if I have done something which have contributed to it... But really, I feel that I don't...
I really feel that my fellow SGLs (and maybe my AGLs) have picked the wrong person for the job... The wrong person to take the post of vice-president, the wrong person to run the trial camp and FOC... I don't know what to do, and the people around me don't teach me things... I only learn when I make my mistakes during the time of the event, which is really, too late for me to apply anything... I fully agree now that being a welfare GL in FOC sucks... I come back as a useless SGL... I don't know anything... My co-organizer knows it all, and does everything on his own... Some times I feel as though he makes all the decisions... Finance, logistics, camp schedule, down to what I should know more, the welfare... Am I that useless? I don't see myself in doing anything that contributes now... He thinks that we should be working to each others strengths, which is he does all the background work, while I work when the actual camp is... I don't like this system! Ron did it... He had his share of work during the organizing of the camps... His partner was a games committee member... I don't see why it doesn't work out for me as well... I'm not supposed to mention this here, but its just part of what I want to vent out...
Another thing that contributes to the thought is that I really don't have the impact on my fellow seniors as well as my own seniors... I'm too soft, and when I try to get loud on things, they think I'm plainly shouting and disrespectful... I don't know what is really right... No one wants to tell me... So now, I've lost not only the respect from them, but also the trust they "had" in me... I feel so weak, that I've lost my composure twice and broken down just as much... I really didn't have to... But I know I'm not superman anymore, and its time I let things flow out... So I don't feel that sitting in this "vice-president" position is really the right thing... I don't think I'm cut out for something as big as this anymore... I don't think I have any real friends now... I've lost my faith in myself, completely...
My grades didn't look good either... I expected an A from my immunology... Turned out to only be a B+... And I was so confident on that paper... I thought there would be some hope from this semester after all... The difference of an A to a B+ is so great... My GPA was really far from what I expected... I really hope that its me not being hardworking enough, but I can't help thinking that I'm becoming stupid...
My relationship isn't helping me ease any of these things either... She wants me to be happy, to relieve and take away my unhappiness... Instead, she giving me the unecessary stress as well... Maybe I'm not doing my part in keeping the relationship fresh... Maybe I'm unable to commit to it like I used to... I hope she really understands that being together in the same school is just a small added bonus to our relationship and not over exploit it...
She was the one who asked me to go watch "Step Up 2" on our anniversary... Yet, she went to watch it with her friends and only telling me so late on... That's the second movie which I wanted to watch so much, but she watched it with others... I've already given up alot for her, and I feel she's one of the few valuables that I can really call mine... If she's not there to spend my free time with, who or what will? What saddens me more about this is that I was told by my supervisor that I would most probably have the day off this coming Thursday... And so happens, its the 20th... Even god is helping me... Now I don't see the need for me to spend our anniversary together when she doesn't appreciate it... Mind you, its not all about the gifts that matters ok?! She claims she is strong, that she can take care of herself... Is it? Really? I don't see that... She's still that small little girl after all...
Actually, I was just picking myself up and wanting to talk to her again today... But just when I saw her unwell again, I just thought that it was going to be the same as the last time... Anyway, I just think that she can't keep to her promise of taking care of herself... How does she want to take away my sadness when she can't even take care of herself? I just thought, forget it, leave things the way it is now... I can't find happiness in this...
Sorry if I did reveal things that shouldn't have been told... Sorry that I've dissapointed people who held me for something... That I broken anything that I promised... But I will keep to my promise that I will run this FOC well, because it is not my event alone... Sorry if I have offended anyone... Sorry if I had made anyone dislike me more... Sorry if I wasted anyone's time reading this... Sorry I took the path of all these and caused the unhappiness... Sorry for being so useless... Sorry if I had made anyone sad... Its not what I should have done, but I've done it all wrong, and I feel the worst now...