how sad these few days have been.. it shouldn't be like that at all.. FOC is just around the corner, and the Intermediate is 2 days away.. i needa pull things together.. first, I'd like to say to all those who have been with me these few days.. I'm really not feeling stressed.. not much that it will really effect my mood.. its just good, healthy amount of pressure that keeps me in check n do things quick.. its not what I've been expressing these few days.. I'm fine with the preperations for FOC.. it's things behind no one really knows much about..

i'm find that its harder and harder for me to hide things.. i didn't show anything on tuesday, but just yesterday, i got really pissed and a few people noticed, after bad comments were passed while I was doing the Stardust flag.. damn it.. the reason why i skipped lunch was to stay throughout every minute of the flag painting process.. I'm proud, really proud of the group.. i loved the way they were giving pointers when i was sketching the drawing on the flag instead of what i thought would be a one-man show for the task.. they really take pride in it.. the final product was just... WOW.. couldn't have done anything better!

I couldn't hide anything today.. i was glumy the very first moment i stepped into school, and almost everyone who talked to me noticed it.. I took things out on my fellow GLs.. I'm still a nobody there, not in a position to do anything like that, and certainly should not have done something as foolish as that.. i almost brokedown in front of my peers, but was forced to kick that thought when we had to force our smiles out to pass our dance practice.. making the identity for our group finally put some smiles and laughter on my face.. i enjoy this feeling.. its just as though i have a family..

training today proved and convinced me that I'm not prepared well for Intermediate... really really horrid... i almost lost horribly to 2 kids from the Singapore sub-elite team.. luckily i won quite few points before i misjudged the last shot and let them take the match.. i think that performance proved to Stan that i'm not ready.. he wasn't really into giving me advice for my match.. i could tell.. all the basic stuff.. i had to press and ask for some.. and I hope it helps..

we've come to an end, i think.. between me and her.. she left me a few words when i was offline, saying we should talk.. when I finally wanted to talk to her.. she said that we really didn't have much to say anymore, and just left.. and when i saw what was on her nick, really unscrewed every bolt keeping my sanity in check.. SHE LIKES SOMEONE?! and she used love, in the form of a heart shape! is this why she was trying to shake me off? by hurting me really badly? if so, should i still believe all she's said to me.. about guilt and things.. and what i saw yesterday, when she changed her nick to reply to mine.. i was broken..

"I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND HER AT ALL"

yup.. i'll agree to that statement.. cuz' I really don't know what she's up to!

what am I gonna do? everytime she says something that hurts, I'll convince myself to let go and see how things wouldn't be great.. but I'll drift back into thinking that things aren't over.. its stupid STUPID STUPID!!! I'm STUPID!!! frustrated all over! God, please, at least give me something positive this Saturday when I play my first tournament match in 6 years!